sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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