You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
