when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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