24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
