I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
