I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Vodka?
Forever.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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