sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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