She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just cropdusted the office
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
