i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
