I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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