Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
