No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
