have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
