I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You need Xanax blowdarts
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
