I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize