i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want a musical about memes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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