It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
