My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
