Your dad touched me again.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I deserve this hangover.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
