Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
vagina is talking i cant
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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