literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
