I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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