i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
