I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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