My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
