Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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