I can tuck mytits in my pants
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She told me I should be a condom model.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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