My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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