Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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