Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
