the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
