Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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