I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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