how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
