As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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