I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
