I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
