There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize