Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
