Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
