fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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