she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
