yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
