false alarm. still invincible.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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