I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Randomize
