Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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