I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
