peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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