im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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