you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
