yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
