sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
