My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize