isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
