I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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