woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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