I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
