Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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