Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
