I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
