i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize