Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
